


I Don’t Deserve This

by RemoteByte



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, LGBTQ Character, Trans Male Character, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:21:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27629470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RemoteByte/pseuds/RemoteByte
Summary: George has been struggling with one main thing for his entire life. Something he has deemed as worse than dealing with his colour blindness.Dream somehow finds out this top secret he has been containing for several years and now George must open up enough to relieve the emotional and physical pain.-> No Beta for this story. Wrote it all out and posting.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 50





	I Don’t Deserve This

**Author's Note:**

> I know it’s very very rare for a female to be colourblind but hush..
> 
> If a transgender character makes you uncomfortable... leave.  
> This was purely a comfort/vent fic so just ignore it if you need to.
> 
> I’ve never had T or top surgery... but I want to D:

“I don’t know if I can do this.”

The small “go live” button seemed to taunt him. It seemed to pulse with dark intentions and caused his breath to catch in his throat repeatedly.

“I don’t know if I even  _ want _ to do this.”

He could so easily move the mouse over a tad to the right. It could be off the recording button and onto the one he needed to push. Why couldn’t he?

“No one is forcing you.”

The words rang in his ears. They whispered a promise that he couldn’t bring himself to believe. If no one was forcing him then why is he having such a hard time clicking a button. Someone must have influenced him, there was no way he would want to do this on his own.

“George, we’re right here.”

His name caught his attention, causing him to look over at his other screen. A blinding yellow streaked across the darkening sky as a black and white character stayed crouched in front of him.

“What if I… what if I don’t sound right.”

A chuckle was heard from his friend before the black and white character got punched and he shouted. The two characters charged off in the direction of the desert biome as the moon hung over them. George knew he had a chance of dying in the game if he stood still, but he couldn’t bring himself to move the mouse at all. He was frozen, his fingers twitched just above the device but he couldn’t get his hand to move.

“You sound fine,  _ George _ .”

The name was drug out and it ended with a shout before the words “Dream hit the ground too hard” popped up on screen. The sudden death stole a snort from the brunette before the yellow blob suddenly popped up beside him. He didn’t stay long before he was sprinting towards where their other friend was hiding.

“You record videos and upload them to YouTube, how different is that from this?” 

It was true, the two really weren’t that different. George could talk all day on a recording as long as  _ he _ got to edit his own voice before sending it over.

“You even have a video on my channel of your face, you’ll be fine.”

He got to edit the main chunk of his side of the video. He got to edit his voice and edit his appearance. Sure the video quality was bad to begin with, but he just had to add a tad more grain and the image became more… it became…

“I can’t.”

A sigh was heard from the youngest that had a lump form in his throat. He tried to swallow it down but he knew it was too late. His friends had expected a live stream and had taken time out of their day in order to do it with him. It was early for them, they still could do something with it. The day wasn’t completely ruined by him.

“We can try again later, but we already told our fans that one of us was going to stream so one of us has to.” 

Right, they had already told the fans so there was no taking it back. They would be upset and probably leave them and find someone else to watch. He would be the reason they couldn’t continue to grow.

“I’ll just…”

His voice broke and the hushed arguing across the call was silenced. He was going to choke and the two would know he was crying. How perfect for his imperfect self to be crying, just as he always had.

“I’ll leave and y-you can do something. We can try again next week.”

Then the day would come and he would push it out another week. Then the day comes and the anxiety would have him push it out further. Constantly delaying the inevitable of someone finding out the truth. 

“Sure, if you want. You can stay you know.”

George wants to. He really wants to but he still can’t change his voice on stream. After all, it is all still live. It’s all still happening at that moment.

Weeks go by and none of them have posted any new videos. Dream has been pestering him all week for his audio and clip edits but he can’t.

He is currently bent over his desk with his emotions pouring out as he cries into the wood. His voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard to him, it is too high pitched and when he laughs it sounds too forced. Any time he tries to go lower his voice fizzles out there is an awkward cough at the end. He wants to cut everything out that isn’t right but he would have to scrap the whole thing.

He wants to tell Dream his audio was corrupted, that it didn’t record properly, something to make it better but the young American had a back up recording and all be damned if George was going to allow him to use that.

A Discord notification sounds in his ears, abruptly cutting off the silence enough to startle him. He looks up through tears to see it’s Dream who has sent him a message. The guilt closes his throat and the second notification only causes his chest to tighten more than it is.

He opens it and all it says is “call me” with another notification saying “I need to know”.

Panic rises fast as he sits up straight and wipes at his eyes with the heels of his hands. He needs to call his friend, make sure he is okay. 

His hand shakes as he hits the voice call icon and reaches up to readjust his mic. He doesn’t need to but he messes with it anyway to make it seem like it will make a difference. The sound goes off that Dream has answered the call and they both speak.

“George?”

“Are you okay?”

The words left his tongue too fast and the moment he hears Dream’s concerned voice he knows the question wasn’t necessary. The American only sounded worried and maybe even out of breath. George isn’t sure what to make of the situation he has now found himself in.

“Am I o- George, are  _ you _ okay?” The Brunette suddenly wants the floor to open up and swallow him. He wants to crawl into bed and wake up a whole new person at a later time. Or maybe this time, right now, but a whole new alternate universe.

“Y-yea?” He already knows he doesn’t sound convincing at all, “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Because I think I know why you were kicked out. You’re not gay, are you George?” His eyes widen and he has to pull away from the screen and further from the mic so he can take a moment to just breathe. If he says the wrong thing he could ruin so many friendships.

“I like guys, Dream.” It’s true, he likes guys, males, people with masculine energy in general.

“I know.” The words hang heavy in the air. Does Dream really know? It was he trying to get something out of him to have something to hang over his head for all of eternity.

“I was kicked out. I like guys and I was kicked out.” Pick your words carefully, one wrong phrase and he will be gone. They have known each other for years but this was something he didn’t want the others to know about him.

“Both are true. Why were you kicked out, George?” The words stung. A part of him asks why doesn’t Dream believe him but the other half knows why. He wants to believe this story he has created for himself more than he wants to believe the reality.

“Because...” Nothing comes out when he tries to continue. His face is hot and red, his throat is closed tight, and his eyes have already started to sting.

“Because..?” George reaches up to wrap his thin fingers around his headphones. He slowly pulls them off his ears before setting them on his desk. He should just tell him the truth and end the call, that way it will be George who ended the friendship and not Dream, that way it will be better for him because he chose to end it.

He doesn’t want to.

“Because…” he swallowed thickly before speaking, “I wasn’t born male. I wasn’t born like you were and when I tried to voice it to my family… they tried to get me “ _ help _ ” but nothing can help and fix me. So they decided a missing, dead  _ daughter _ was better than a living son.”

Seconds passed and George couldn’t hear anything coming from the headphones. The green ring around Dream’s picture flashed a few times but no words were spoken to him.

He must be disgusted.

“Monday sound good to you?” The voice was just loud enough to be heard as his cursor hovered over the end call button. He should just press it, end the call.

“Mond- what? What’s Monday?”

“A day of the week, dumbass.” George scrunched his nose up as he slowly pulled his hand away from his mouse. He pulled his sweater over his hands and brought his feet up into his chair before grabbing the headphones on the desk. The green light flickered from what George could only assume was typing.

“Four fifteen, Monday evening.” The brunette pulled the headphones over his ears but kept his hands on them. Just in case he needed to throw them off or something, he didn’t know.

“I don’t understand.”

“You said we needed to visit. You’re in no shape for flying and I can get over a small thing such as the ocean to see you.” George blinked in surprise before an image flashed on his screen. Sure enough, the purchase receipt was displayed in front of him.

“You… Dream- I… you can’t just buy a plane ticket across the seas and  _ then _ tell someone.”

“No, I wouldn’t do that, you need to prepare first. I should buy one now though. How about…” Dream trailed off before some more clicking sounds came over the call. George felt his heart begin to flutter and his mouth suddenly became dry. Joy of seeing his friend soon turned into pure fear.

“George, you still there?” The brunette pulled his jacket closer to himself as he brought his phone back to his face. He was shaking and he was sure his heart could be heard by anyone that passed.

“Yeah, I’m by… shit which is this?” The numbers were right above his head so he had to turn towards the wall and back away. He went to speak when someone ran into the back of him and he turned around with an apology on his lips. His body froze when he saw his friend standing right in front of him with his phone on the side of his face. He had a smirk on his lips but his eyes were wide in surprise as well.

“Dream?” The phone was turned off and suddenly seeing his friend in front of him wasn’t the smartest idea. His throat burned and his eyes began to sting from more than cold weather. His friend, his  _ male _ friend was towering over him.

“George?” The smirk turned into a full grin and he opened his arms for a hug. He perked up and went to hug but stopped and jerked back with a hesitant chuckle. 

“I’m not much of a hugger, I’m sorry.” It was a lie. Sort of. He never truly liked hugs but he wouldn’t mind giving one to his friend of several years. He just… couldn’t.

“It’s fine. Let’s get to your place, I have something for you.” George raised an eyebrow as he went to lead the way, “You could say it is an early Christmas gift.”

“Dream, Christmas is still a few days away.”

“Well, you and I are together right now. That means our Christmas is _right_ _now_.” George shook his head and made his way to his car.

“I have something to ask first.” George looked over the rim of his water cup with a curious glance. He knew something would come up eventually.

George hadn’t removed his hoodie since they had gotten home even though he had spoken up twice about how it was hot in his own house. He normally would be walking around in his shirt and a pair of sweatpants if he hadn’t had his friend over. His friend knew, Dream  _ knew _ , but it was different.

“What are you using to bind.” The question had George inhaling sharply and looking away as he wiped his palms on his pants. He looked like he was ready to jump out of his seat, but Dream couldn’t be left here. He couldn’t be left alone in his own home. Who knows what he could find.

“Well, I don’t exactly have money. You have a rapidly growing channel and I just started mine.” The brunette picked his glass back up from the table and looked down at it. 

“I didn’t ask that. What are you using?” He felt like he was being interrogated now, like he had done something wrong and he would be punished for what was happening. He didn’t ask to be born this way, it just happened.

“Whatever… I can get my hands on. Ace bandage works when you have time, I haven’t used anything else really.” He set his cup down and looked anywhere else but his friend. He didn’t want to see the disappointment and disgust in his friend’s eyes.

“You know that’s dangerous, right?”

“I don’t have money, Dream.” George felt his shoulders tense as his left hand gripped at the jeans on his inner thigh, “and what do you know? You don’t have this problem.”

“Problem? It’s not really a “problem” is it? You just-“

“It’s just as much a problem as if you have an illness. A physical illness.” George’s voice went higher as he spoke. He hated it, he needed to leave but this was his own apartment. George stood and turned away, only being stopped by his friends voice.

“Wait, George, calm down.” Dream stood up quickly as well, “I didn’t mean it like that! I-I don’t understand what you’re saying because I don’t have it. Like how you told me you are colour blind, I can’t imagine what it’s like because I’ve only seen colour.”

The only upside to being colourblind was that people truly believed he was who he said he was over the internet.

“I guess that makes sense.” George looked up to Dream and took notice of how they were filled with concern with an eyebrow only slightly twitching as his face held a kind smile. He looked to be trying to understand where he was coming from. The brunette looked away before leaving, he was relieved when Dream didn’t try to grab his arm and pull him back.

“George! You’re under the mistletoe!” 

“Only because you put it way too high! I’m trying to get it.” George unfolded the stepladder he had before placing it on the ground harder than he truly needed to. Dream had pinned a piece of holly in the doorway and had been giggling at him all day for being unable to reach it. At first George blew it off and laughed as well but now he was annoyed. Not angry-annoyed but tired-annoyed.

He reached up with both hands to grab the holly. A pin was keeping it up so he needed to grab both things if he didn’t want it to fall and disappear under some furniture. His balance was steady as his fingers barely touched the decoration. George pushed up to stand on his toes but a strangled yelp left his throat as someone wrapped their arms around his hips and buried their face in his lower back. He knew it was Dream, that no one else was in the apartment but it still startled him and caused him to jerk.

“Dream! Really!” He tried to twist in his grip but couldn’t as his hold only tightened. The brunette frowned and moved his arms back onto the other’s shoulders with a slight push. He seemed to almost be nuzzling into his sweatshirt.

“I want to hug you,” George felt his chest tighten and a frown replace the smile he held, “step down so I can hug you, please.”

“Dream..”

“George… just… just one hug? If you say no I will stop insisting but I…” His voice was muffled slightly and George could feel him talking against his back. Dream’s head lowered and his arms tightened around his hips.

“I…” he wanted to hug him, he really did. It was something he had longed for since they first had truly started talking. George had wanted this moment for so long, and he couldn’t bring himself to.

“Not now, maybe before you leave.” The arms around him loosened and the warmth turned cold and the guilt blew up in his chest. Dream could be heard shuffling behind George before he came into view and walked around the brunette. He came into view with his head lowered and a deeper frown played at George’s lips.

“George! You’ve been asleep for hours! Wake up!” The brunette shot up out of bed and his first thought was… he couldn’t breathe.

He grabbed at his chest with panicked hands and pulled at the ace bandages through his shirt. The cloth was getting in the way and he couldn’t get air. His hands shook as he struggled for air, words could be heard next to him. George fought off the hands that tried to grab him as he turned away. 

Covers were thrown off his bed, his feet touched the cold wood gently but his knees hit quicker. Shouts sounded behind him but the hands only caused him a heightened anxiety. He was scared, he couldn’t breathe at all. His lung felt crushed and bruised, felt like they were being held in someone’s hand as they squeezed tighter.

Suddenly he was forced to turn around and hands grabbed his face before words were once again shouted at him. He closed his eyes and nodded, hoping his friend was going to save him. George didn’t know what was happening but his eyes flew open when air reached his exposed stomach.

The brunette tried to bring his hands from the wrist of his friend to his shirt but soft “shush”es rang out and his cries became whimpers. Hot tears ran down his face as the hands moved to gently, but quickly, pull off his shirt. He felt overexposed as the hands grabbed at his chest. Whimpers and whines left his throat as tears blurred his vision.

The hands on his chest hooked under the fabric and circled around until it loosened on one side. George was starting to feel faint even as the bandage was pulled away from him.

The hands pulled as he leaned back against the wall his bed was on. He was terrified and trembling as the stinging pain around his chest became a buzzing feeling and numb at the same time.

“Breathe George. Please, just breathe.” Hands held his face gently as the bandages laid limp around his hips. He was breathing, he knew because his chest was painful as it rose and fell. It burned deep in his lungs at each intake and he let out a soft groan at each exhale.

“You need to get this checked out, George.” The hands left his face and trailed around the deeper imprints in his skin. They were purple and deep and his ribs were probably warped by now. He knew this because he had been looking at the same body for over twenty years.

“I can’t…” George’s voice was faint as the hands came back up to his face. His eyes closed when thumbs rubbed under his eyes before he heard a choked sound. The grip on his face was loose suddenly and he could feel a shake.

“You can’t live this way.” A defense jumped to George’s tongue but he couldn’t get it out fast enough, “I mean like  _ this.  _ Bandages don’t help you. They give you the appearance that you want but it hurts you.”

“I don’t have money, Dream.” George moved to sit up as he leaned against the wall. The blonde looked up from where he was staring at the ground before glancing down at his chest then to the bandage. He had a look of disapproval before his eyes widened.

“I want you to not wear any bandages for today, if ever again really. I know you won’t follow that so, one second.” Dream left the room quickly as George tried to control his breathing. By the time the blonde he returned he was sitting cross legged with the sweatshirt back on but the bandage crumbled up and to the side.

“I was waiting for Christmas tomorrow but you need it now.” George eyes the box behind handed to him. It was a decent sized box but the way the other was carrying it, it wasn’t heavy at all. Or so George thought as he reached for it and the box hit the ground quicker than he’d like to admit.

“What is this? Where did you even have this?” He looked up to Dream as he went to sit down. The blonde didn’t have anything with him that indicated a box like this unless he really just didn’t pack a good amount of clothing.

“A Floridian never tells his secrets!” George snorted and pulled at the front of his sweater to get it away from his skin.

“Is it because they all die before they can?”

“That’s a secret.” Dream was grinning at him as George set the box more in front of the two of them. It was only about a foot tall but it was wider than it was tall. He pulled the wrapping paper away, the paper the was terribly done mind you, and groaned as he was met with a brown box that had packing tape.

The brunette grabbed the pocket knife off his bedside table and cut the sides loose before cutting the middle at only one end. He grabbed each flap but hesitated and looked up to Dream. He was sitting with his hands in his lap as if he was a child waiting for their turn with something. He looked much happier than he should for this to be George’s present.

He ripped apart the tape and pushed the flaps open only to be met with a decorative clothing box. The ones like you get at a clothing store around Christmas for a shirt. Only the box had a simple reindeer on the front.

“Is this just going to be a box in a box in a box situation?” Dream shook his head and grinned wider as the brunette picked up the reindeer box. There was another two boxes underneath holding the top one up that made him curious but the one he was holding had a big “1” in the corner.

He opened the box, expectations on middle ground because it was Dream who was ridiculously loaded but also it was most likely a piece of clothing. He closed the lid instantly as he saw what was under the tissue paper. Tears welled up in his face and he looked up to his friend while shaking his head.

“Y-you didn’t. This… this isn’t real.” George swallowed thickly before blinking and rubbing away the tears, “this is a lot of money, Clay.”

The blonde smiled softly before reaching forward and opening the box for him to really see. Underneath the tissue paper was six different  _ binders _ . Two were nude, two were black, one was white, and one was grey. One nude, one black, and the grey were only chest coverings while the other three were tank versions.

“I didn’t really know which kind was best, not for you anyway, so if you decide that one is better and the other is absolutely terrible, just tell me and I’ll order the other colours in the one you prefer.” George set down the box of binders and pressed his heels into his eyes. This was beyond his comprehension. Each binder was about thirty-five US dollars and he had bought six of them.

“You… this can’t be real. This is so expensive.” George hissed between his teeth and he moved his hands from his eyes before looking back down at the binders. It was actually making his brain short circuit from how absurd this whole morning already was.

“It was less expensive than having your ribs fixed later on and definitely less expensive than your life. Those bandages could have killed you one day when you were here alone.” George knew that was true but he didn’t usually wear them all the time, it was just that he and Dream were sharing a bed due to him not having a guest room so he felt better wearing the bandages to sleep than if he didn’t. Now he wouldn’t have to.

“You have more, trust me, this isn’t all.” George shook his head as he wiped away more of the tears with his sleeve. He picked up the box that had simple red wrapping on it and the number “2” on the box.

He opened it up and smiled softly at the contents, “The fans have been sending me so many things for you and this isn’t all, but I picked out the smaller ones I could bring right now for you. I plan to make a small box here and there to send to you guys so you can get the items but this was what I could do now.”

George smiled as he picked up a clay figurine of his character standing on a small grass circle. It wore a Christmas hat and had a bag next to him that was full of diamond weapons. Diamonds laid out in front of him, at his feet, like they had tumbled out of the bag. It was well done and beyond adorable and would definitely be going next to his computer.

“And one more. This one took a bit of planning, open it and I’ll tell you.” Dream picked up the last box and handed it to George. It was the smallest box but actually had a decent weight to it besides being small. It made him curious as to what was inside

He opened it up but was instantly confused. Small cards, about four, sat on their sides. He picked one up and saw it was a card to a clothing place nearby. The confusion didn’t end and he looked up to Dream.

“So, I had Wilbur help me out since he came down here to hang out with you.” Dream started as he looked through the others. The last card caught his interest as it was blank.

“He told me of a few places you said you liked but I didn’t want to be your grandma and give you only clothing things but… there is one to a place you said you wanted to go but they were too expensive. Your favorite restaurant you told me about. A regular Visa card strictly for whatever you want.” George let out a huffed laugh, “and the last one… the last one is a prepaid card. Wilbur has it in his name because that’s how it works but it has 1,500 euro on it for you to start treatments. I know you have to do whatever you have to do to be approved but it isn’t cheap.”

George brought his hand to his mouth as he looked up to Dream. Tears blurred his vision once more before rolling down his burning cheeks. Droplets fell between his legs and shattered along the hard wood. 

“Clay…” the blonde smiled at his name as George tried to wipe away the tears with one hand. This was the happiest he had been in a while, a long while. Not only because he had all these things but because his friend was the one who got them for him. That meant that Dream supported him and didn’t look down on him for it.

“Do you want your gift now? My gift to you seems lame compared to this.” George scratched the back of his neck nervously

“I’m sure I will love it.” George rolled his eyes at the cliché statement but set the box on the floor to move to stand up. He became dizzy and had to balance himself on the edge of the bed to take a moment to breathe. Dream was in front of him with steady hands on his shoulders and his eyebrows raised in surprise.

“Can I…” Dream cleared his throat before speaking, “Can I just make sure nothing is wrong? That there isn’t anything odd?”

George narrowed his eyes and scrunched up his nose. He was about to refuse but the throbbing along his ribs told him to go ahead and let the blonde do what he wanted. If he didn’t, Dream would only be worried and anxious about his condition.

“Fine.” The brunette got up on the bed with his legs hanging off and slightly parted. Dream seemed to hesitate before stepping forward, avoiding touching his knees and stopping just before touching the bottom of his sweater. George could feel his breath hitch when the fabric bunched in the other’s grip and was pulled upwards. 

When the sweater was completely pulled off of him he took a moment to regain vision and see his friend with worried eyes and a nervous hold on his bottom lip. Cold fingers trailed along the bruising he knew was there. A dull pain throbbed and ached as his fingers dipped into the denting. He had been doing this for years now.

His mom had found his binders he secretly bought when he was sixteen. He tried to explain they were sports bras but his mom told him they were way too tight and tossed them. The garbage was taken out as he was at school and he never saw them again. Coincidentally, his drawers had been rummaged through as well.

At seventeen his friend bought him one as a gift because he saw George having a hard time breathing. By eighteen his mother confronted him about the article of clothing. He had stuffed it in with the rest of his clothes on accident instead of handwashing it. A huge argument started and the brunette explained and came out as who he really was and was told to leave the same day. He walked an hour to a friend’s home and lived with them until he could afford his own place. Sapnap and Dream knew of what was going on, but thought it was because of him liking men.

Binding with Ace bandages had just been cheaper and a habit by now. He had an irrational fear that someone would find a binder he had and toss it out and forty euro would go down the drain. He couldn’t afford that.

“Nothing seems too off besides the bruising and indents.” George looked up to the blonde, “I would get it checked when you could, make sure nothing is extremely off.”

The brunette nodded before pulling his legs up on the bed in a cross-legged position. He didn’t bother putting a shirt back on as he leaned over and covered his chest. He had wanted to start treatments so the curve of his waist and hips would leave, but they were expensive. Insurance didn’t cover any of it since it wasn’t a medical necessity. George also wanted to get top surgery eventually but that was even more expensive.

“Here.” Dream had bunched up the sweater at both arm holes so he could slip it on the brunette. George put his arms through first, huffing as his fingers caught at the end before going through completely. His head was next, ruining his bed head even more.

“So, you wanted to give me a gift?” George mentally thanked the blonde for giving a more uplifting topic.

“Yea,” he hopped off the bed and made his way to the living room where his small supply closet was. He had an oblong box wrapped in a yellow wrapping paper with small snowmen faces across it. They looked like a Christmas version of Dream’s characters iconic face and he had confirmed with another person at the store that it was, in fact, green.

“Oh, isn’t this cute.” Dream started peeling back the designed paper, taking care to rip around the handwriting of “To Dream <3”.

“George..”

A smile played at the brunettes lips as he opened his mouth to speak, “It isn’t much, nothing like what you got me, but-“

“But it’s exactly what I needed!” Dream grinned as he looked over the mic arm. He had broken his second one a couple weeks prior and George had been desperately trying to find a gift. The blonde complained about the mic now being on his desk and picking up too much of his keyboard’s clicks. He made comments about buying a new one but hadn’t actually gotten around to doing it.

“I…” The blonde pulled the rest of the wrapping paper off before crumbling it into a ball. He looked between George and the box before shaking his head and smiling. He didn’t say anything as he walked towards the kitchen to throw the paper away.

“I will find a therapist as soon as you leave, just so you know.” George couldn’t help the smile on his face, it was hurting his cheeks but it didn’t matter. Dream laughed before opening his arms in an attempt to hug the other. The brunette pulled away in surprise but only smiled more and ran straight into his friends arms.

“This, honestly, if probably my favorite Christmas.” George murmured against his friend hoodie.

“It isn’t even Christmas.”

“Shut up.”

“I’m so nervous.” George looked at the needle again. It was full of the hormone he had so desperately wanted for months. It had taken longer to find a gender therapist where he lived that would diagnose him with gender dysphoria to even get the hormone. Now, now he did have it.

“George..” The sound of someone shuffling on the other end of the phone could be heard, “You’ve been waiting years, literal  _ years _ , for this. You’ve got this.”

He nodded his head and let out a deep breath. George wasn’t scared of needles, not really, he was just so anxious and excited that his stomach was tense. He pinched off a spot and would have to let go because his hands were sweaty or his stomach contracted and tensed under his skin. He didn’t have enough fat anywhere else to do this so he picked here.

“Okay, okay, I can do this.” George readjusted the needle in his hand again, he shouldn’t be messing with it this much. He pinched the area and took a deep breath before inserting the needle. He bit his lip at the small sting before placing his thumb on the end. A slow push and slight sting later, he pulled out the needle and allowed himself to take a deep breath. 

“Did you do it?” The brunette disposed of the needle and syringe in the dark yellow biohazard container he had been given before leaning his forehead on his arms that were on the edge of the counter. He made a humming sound, afraid that if he spoke, he would just throw up from the nerves coiled so tight in his stomach.

“I’m so proud of you, George!” He smiled at the genuine happy tone the other gave, “This is the first step to getting to who you truly are!”

George nodded before grabbing the phone and walking away from the kitchen. 

“What?!” A bright yellow character came out of nowhere and the screen telling him he had been slain by Dream suddenly appeared, “Where did you even come from?!”

“Watch all your surroundings, George.” He rolled his eyes as he pulled up the chat from Dream’s stream. They were all shouting different things and he could barely read through the chat. Really, he couldn’t read through it at all.

“Oh! By the way guys, George is going to start streaming as well. As you know, one-fourth of my donations are going towards him to help with a surgery. I explained this on Twitter before I ever started my own streams. Well, fifty percent of his is going to the same place.” The chat quickly filled with questions and asking if George was okay. The brunette still hadn’t said anything about what was going on, but he was naturally a stand-off-ish person and avoided giving more information than what was needed. Dream, thankfully, understood this and didn’t say anything except that surgery wasn’t for any severe health issues.

George started streaming a week later.

A donation pool had been set up in the corner of his stream. It wasn’t like he wanted to advertise really, but his friends thought he should have it so his fans knew what was happening with their donations.

Most fans were extremely nice to him and asked questions. He only answered ones that he felt like answering and brushed off any rude comments.

Within a week of streaming he had made an appointment to see a gender-specialized surgeon. He told him that as soon as possible would be nice but would need at least three months to plan and prepare as well as collect money. The surgeon told him three months minimum was wait time.

Within two months and two weeks he was booked for surgery for another three weeks from then and had already reached and surpassed his goal by forty percent. He couldn’t stop crying and thanking his fans and Dream when a two-thousand dollar donation came in from his friend with a simple heart as the message. He had been so overwhelmed by the joy and had to end stream early to just take in what was happening.

“Dre...Dream…?” George reached out but only felt air in his hands. The bed was so cold and his body felt tight and was hot. He felt his head bob from side to side as he tried to open his eyes. His words slurred when he tried to speak and the monitors beeped loudly in his ears.

“Dr...m?” He tried to call out again but this time someone was next to him. He heard a lady speaking to him, but it wasn’t  _ Dream _ . George didn’t want a lady talking to her, he wanted his friend.

“You’ll go back to your room in about twenty minutes. We have to make sure everything is alright.” The brunette scrunched up his nose at the words before smacking his lips together. He had a terrible taste in his mouth and his throat was burning and dry. His teeth felt as if they had a wall of plaque on them and were catching on his chapped lips.

“Do you want water? Or Sprite?” George opened one eye with as much strength as he could to see the woman above him. His left side was scrunched up in the effort, causing cramps so he simply closed both eyes with a furrowed brow.

“Wa...er.” Within a minute his bed was moving upwards to have him seated upright and a straw was placed at his lips. He only drank a sip or two before pulling away. He just needed enough to wet his mouth once more.

“If you drink as much of this as you can and your next set of vital signs is stable then you’ll be set.” Evergreens tried to nod as the straw was placed next to his mouth again. He reluctantly took a larger sip before turning his head away. He felt like he would be sick if he drank anymore.

A few minutes later the machine came to life and the cuff around his arm began to inflate. He grimaced at the tight feeling and tried to move his arm some but found he was unable to. The nurse watched the machine while holding the cup once more to him. He drank the last bit, having his temperature taken just prior to the cold drink, and leaned back to close his eyes. Some words were said to him before the bed cracked below him, startling him. George’s eyes were wide as he looked around and the ceiling began to move.

He was in the room before he knew he really was with a familiar face smiling down at him. George gave his friend a dopey smile as the other simply ruffled his hair.

“You finally got it, George.”

The brunette looked down at his chest and a large wave of emotions suddenly overcame him. He knew it was from general emotions, the anesthesia, and the pain meds he was on, but this was the most emotional he believes he has ever been.

“You helped me.”

“I love you, George.”

“I love you too, Clay.”

**Author's Note:**

> :D
> 
> If you wanna read some more, try out my on-going story, A Game of Silence.
> 
> If you want to interact with me more come check me out on Twitter!   
> @/remotebyte_ao3


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